The Art of the Deal
I dated a guy for about a year. We have an amazing connection. Admittedly I think we both took things too fast, which is why the relationship ended the way it did. Two months ago we broke up. It was my decision to break up, because he had done something I’d asked him/warned him not to do, and I caught him doing it a second time.
Since the breakup and after six weeks of almost zero contact, we talked. I had confessed recently that despite what he had done, I still had feelings for him, and asked if he wanted to try to work things out.
His response was, “There is a lot I miss about us, I will admit that. But I made the decision not to try again, and it is what it is.” In the same breath he went on to say, “But I cannot stop thinking about the sex.” Then he started descriptively naming the things he missed about me, my body and our sex life.
I miss him a lot and the sex was unreal, so originally I told him that if that’s all we could do, then I was down with it. But the more I think about it, the more terrified I am to go through with it. I want a real relationship and I believe that he does miss me. He’s just unable to commit right now.
Keeping my self-worth and hope in mind, what is the best thing for me to do?
He talks a big game over text messages, but any time I’ve been in front of him, he has crumbled and confessed life sucks without me and he comes crawling back. Do I sleep with him? I should make it clear we haven’t slept together since we broke up.
I have been holding out thus far. If a relationship is what I want with him, what is the absolute best way for me to play my cards? Is it okay for me to tell him I’ve changed my mind about a strictly sexual relationship because my feelings for him are still too strong? Will that better the chances of him pursuing the chase?
~ Crystal
Crystal, you broke up with him. That should have been the end of it. You warned him and you caught him twice. If he cared about you, he wouldn’t have risked losing you.
He thinks you aren’t worthy of respect, so much so he even told you so. He told you he would only be willing to get together if you are willing to perform specific sex acts he is interested in. He doesn’t treat you like a person. He treats you like an object.
But instead of hanging up on him, you agreed to come back to him literally on your knees. You think he crumbles when he sees you in person, but he’s not seeing you, he’s seeing your body.
Our physicalness is the least of who we are. It can disappear in an instant. What you are yearning for is the thing, the one word, which does not appear in your letter. Love.
How do you find your right one when you refuse to listen when this man unequivocally tells you, you are not his right one? Perhaps this lesson can be learned only when reality destroys your self-deception.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara – Column for the week of January 30, 2017
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